It’s important to remember adolescence is a normal stage of development. They’re the same young people they’ve always been, but now struggling to cope with growth spurts, sexual development and mood swings, which scare them as much as their parent!
The bad news is that the rate and extent of growth and development at adolescence make these particularly challenging years for teenagers and parent/caregivers alike.
The good news is that you have already taught them many skills to help them through the challenging years.
The really good news is that both parents/caregivers and adolescents can learn the new skills they need to cope with challenges.
In families we all react to situations and things other family members do. Often they ways we react begin to form a pattern which is like a habit. Raising some issues with teen agers can be like a red rag to a bull. Other issues can trigger anxiety or fear in parents or other family members. The ways we react to each other and to particular situations are our ‘family dynamics’ and can either be helpful or unhelpful.
Sorting our disagreements:
Agree to differ-before you into the argument, think about the importance of the issue. Will your children’s beliefs put them at risk physically or emotionally? If they act on their beliefs, can they learn from their mistakes without doing any major damage? Is the disagreement a battle that you have to win, or a chance to teach your children that it’s OK to disagree?Discussing your differences:
Sometimes however, the issues are serious and you need to take a stand. Either way it’s useful to know how to discuss your different beliefs and values through:Examining your own beliefs
Challenging your own beliefs
When there’s a parenting decision to be made (eg whether your 14 year old should be able to stay at a party until 2 am), parent/caregivers with partners first examine and challenge your beliefs separately. Then share your conclusions, discuss the issue and agree on actions to take.
Family meeting:
The same skills can be used for concerns that involve the whole family particularly, before the issues become major problems. If family meetings are too difficult to manage by yourselves, you could arrange a skilled facilitator from outside the family. She or he needs to be someone you all trust to help solve your problems without taking sides.Using communication skills
Choose a good time and place
Be an active listener
Watch for body language and clues to meaning
Check when in doubt about what someone is feeling
Use ‘I’ statements
Don’t interrupt
Take a non-judgmental stance
Show respect for the other person
Getting the behaviors you want:
Give feedback
Be a good ‘couch’ to your child, not a controller
If all else fails – take a stand
To change to unhelpful family dynamics: Reflect on the negative interactions, analyze what was said and done and think about what you could do different at each stage of the interactions